Free Bird Tells Her Story

Much to my great consternation, Free Bird’s comments got deleted in my Post:  I will give you …. covering

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why. Her old posts are gone, but her new stuff is still here.

Whatever the reason — rookie bloggerness, Spam Karma incompetence, demons, or “sound doctrine central” cyber attack — her story needs to be posted.  People need to see what she wrote. I am privileged to be where she chose to make her story available. In my post The Event of a Tyrannized Life, I addressed how hard it is to tell the story of the event tyranny: lots of ugly, tedious, potentially embarrassing details.

Free Bird showed her courage. She was strong enough to share. She has told me that it was hard to do, but there are other women who are afraid to leave and need to hear her story…maybe it will help.

For some of you women lurking here, I do believe it will help. What happened to Free Bird happens with striking regularity to women at SGM–placing women in an impossible position. She cannot object to the church practice without her intellectual divergence becoming a mater of spiritual sedition. The following intellectual and spiritual tyranny–dividing husband and wife for the cause of doctrine–is despicable.

Editorial note: It is too hard to figure out how to construct the progression of the conversation, but she responded alternately to myself and CD-Host, our resident scholar on Church discipline. This post is what she submitted in order.

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1. Comment: In my excoomunication letter received from my former sgm church, it states the following: “As we release you from membership and our covering, we pray God will use this to awaken you to the truth of His Word.”

Yeah, it really says that.

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2.  Comment: In reading my excommunication letter again (sorry about my typo in the last one), I missed this mention of covering also: “…we must complete the discipline process by removing you from membership.  According to Scripture, this step places you outside of the covering and spiritual protection of the church”

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3.  Comment: Placing me “outside the covering and spiritual protection” was the best thing that could have happened to me.  It wasn’t fun while in the moment, but I am able to look back and see it all with new eyes!

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4.  Comment: I’ll quote parts of their letter along the way.   It’s such a long, winding story of church discipline. Before I stopped attending, I was in church discipline for rebellion on 3 counts.  #1: My husband wanted a child and I did not as long as we had to raise him at that church.  2. Sex – saying no during this painful marriage where I did not feel cared for. #3. Not attending faithfully. So rebellion against my husband and church attendance. I tried to get him to visit other churches but he refused and wouldn’t leave so I stopped attending. Because he felt God told him to stay at that church (even though his wife was uncomfortable with the way they disciplined kids and didn’t agree with their doctrine on submission) the church stood on his side and called me rebellious.  “Please remember that when you became a member you promised to faithfully attend and support the ministries of the church”  “We feel compelled to make this decision due to your lack of response to the discipline process.  We make this decision with deep regret, but we must because of our love and care for you.”
I stopped attending completely because of the humiliating way they put me through church discipline.  They called  meetings with my friends and family, telling them not to associate with me out of ‘love’ that it might make me see my sins.   I was still willing to go to a church, just not that one.  I was still willing to go to counseling (which I did, often)  just not theirs.

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5 Comment: I don’t mind answering (CD-Host’s) questions.  I know that if my old church is lurking here, they will most likely recognize my story but that is ok. I’ve nothing to hide.  I’ve saved every email from them if I need it. I warn you in advance that this is a long post!

1) Why didn’t you independently transfer to another church? I understand you husband liked SGM but what stopped you from picking another church that would have been comfortable with just you attending?

Leaving was the first thing on my mind and I asked to be released from membership. (not realizing that I could just go…)  I was told that while I was in church discipline, I could not leave the church.   The pastor said that if everyone who was in church discipline left, it wouldn’t resolve the conflict.
Leadership knew that my husband felt called to that specific church and they gave him their blessing to stay. I felt like they should have said go with your wife, that is where your priority is.  But they didn’t . If I left and went elsewhere to another church,  I was rebellious and not submissive to my husband in their eyes and the church discipline would continue. And I certainly was not going to transfer to another sgm church, which was more than 2 hours away anyway.

2) Where you aware of the doctrine on submission when you joined?

I became a christian at the age of 26.  Not a day of church (other than weddings and funerals) before that. My parents never went or anyone else in my family.  I met someone who attended this church and she showed me the way.  I left my lifestyle and moved in with 2 single women.  I embraced the new life and fell right into this world of care groups, bible studies and prayer.  I was trying to to the best  thing with my life, get on the right path.  During that time, the singles were getting married to eachother left and right.  We were handed the green book, pre-Josh days, called Dating With Integrity.  Group dates and only if you had a ‘word from God’ that the boy might pursue the girl with intentions to marry.  Within 6 months of my conversion, I was pursued by my husband and we followed the protocol.  No hugs without a pillow between us and didn’t even kiss until we were engaged 4 months later.  We were counseled that engagements should never be more than 6 months, lest we tempt purity.  So we married after an engagement of only 4 months. I had no idea what I had gotton into let alone what true submission to the authority of my husband was all about. It was only after studying the scriptures during the church discipline that I really learned about it.

3) Since then have you joined a new church? If so has this new church officially restored you or are they unaware of the whole mess with SGM?

No, I have not joined a church but attend now and then but I am ever watchful when I go.  I can’t quite bring myself to trust one completely. During the whole discipline issue, I went to 6 different churches, meeting with pastors and counselors to ask questions about my situation.  My husband, to his credit, did go with me to 3 of them for counsel but on the first visit they told him to leave the church and find another with me, he refused to do that and would not go back with me for more counsel.

A year prior to the church discipline, I had begun talking about all of my church issues to a male coworker.  It was a mistake on my part to talk to a man about it, I was vulnerable.  We hugged and kissed twice while at work and it rattled me to the core. I couldn’t believe that I was capable of adultery.  It did not go beyond those 2 times and I stopped it in its tracks.  I was horrified with myself and shared with a close friend what had happened. She encouraged me to talk to the pastor so I made an appt.  I told him that I was depressed and not even sure about my salvation. (after what had happened at work, I was a mess) This pastor told me that I was being selfish and I just needed to do what was right. Submit to my husband and sometimes we just have to obey when we don’t want to.  After an hour of him belittling me, I left.  I hadn’t confessed my sin to him and I felt worse than when I went in. I went home and tried to dissect it all. I refused to go back, my husband was putting his authoritative foot down and I was labeled rebellious.  The church discipline began.  My friend was as disgusted as I was about my pastor’s response, so she referred me to her church counselor.  I shared with them everything.  They asked if my husband would come in and not to share the adultery with him yet until we were at a healthier place to deal with it. Meanwhile, the church discipline had begun on the 3 counts I stated above.  Fast forward over a year later.  I told my husband about the kiss, he smiled and finally had his biblical release for a divorce.
Although he said he forgave me, he would not go to any counseling outside of that church.  I asked the church to release him for 6 months so we could try to save the marriage and they said they stand behind his decision to stay.  That church did not encourage him to work it out.  In fact, they said he now had the biblical right to divorce me.  All because of a kiss.  (not to minimize it, I know it was wrong)
If they had not stood between us, we may have had a shot. Instead, he divorced me and married another womoan in the church a year later.
The End.

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6  Comment: Yes, the official charge was not being submissive to the leadership of my husband in the 3 specific areas I listed above. The church discipline and the public meeting they held with my friends and family were all before they knew about the kiss.

I was labeled an adulterer and that is how the congregation still thinks because that is what they were told.  When I challenged the pastor about the definition, he said (I am pasting from an email) “We would not have a position on that. It would be an issue of what constititutes unfaithfulness or adultery.  That is not a nice clean line of distinction.  The question is what level of physical contact is necessary?  Is kissimg a sexual act?  Personally, I would not believe that intercourse is the only Biblical justification.  I would believe any sexual contact or act outside of marriage with a person other than your spouse would qualify.  I would want you to know that we are not counseling (my huband’s name here) to divorce.  That is not something we would encourage.  However, our approach is rather, do we have Bilblical grounds to tell him he is sinning in doing so?  I think in light of what I said above we don’t feel we can do that”

In a last ditch effort to save the marriage, I was hoping to delay divorce and have a 6 month seperation.  I would go to counseling elsewhere and see if I could get my husband to go.  The pastor gave him a book on Divorce to read.  The pastor told him that “Biblically, there is no place for seperation as I see it.  There are Biblical reasonss for divorce (desertion and unfaithfulness).  But I do not see any biblical justification for separation.”

So my husband filed the papers.

It’s been 4 years now and I am very happy, free from all the legalism and control there.  I recently  remarried (put him through the ringer to be sure he wasn’t going to control me like I had been before!)
It wasn’t my ideal life to be divorced but I probably would have still been there, homeschooling 5 kids and very unhappy.

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7.  Comment: I’ve never shared all of that in a public forum but if it can help someone else see how they can control members, then I felt it was ok for me to do it.  I’ll probably be labeled an sgm slanderer.  It’s hard to out-talk them and win verbally but at least it cannot be “hearsay” if I am quoting from actual emails from the pastor.  Thanks for listening.