Wow! What a year!
I don’t have any witty bromides about 2008. Some of it was great: some of it not so much. For me, in 2008 I made some of the best decisions of my life.
I mean, who else realizes their life ambition is to be a 24-year-old blogger sitting around in their Underoos in their mommy’s basement? My highest and best aspiration has finally arrived.
Well, no, that wouldn’t be quite accurate. One choice led to another, which led to another, and I think the best choice I made this year was in 2008 I decided to take over the world. I’ve got a business plan for it and everything. It’s pretty cool.
I must confess though, world domination is rather time-consuming. One has to go through the arduous task of organizing armies, and purchasing nuclear weapons, and preparing the requisite collectivist indoctrination curricula for the reeducation camps. Fortunately, the last part is mostly done for me. All I’d have to do is plagiarize those in the church who’ve rendered ancient collectivist dogma into contemporary English. If it weren’t for the armies and the weapons purchases, I’d be a stone’s throw away from my objective.
The rest of the steps are rather easy:
- Pass out business cards humbly accepting the title Apostle of Apostles.
- Get six or nine men to declare me “First Among Equals.”
- Purchase a Plexiglas podium for about $700. (I might get a cheaper version at Wal-Mart with their Chinese connections.)
- Tell everyone to “Respect my Authoritah!”
- Command everyone to tithe “You God Robbers!”
- Then franchise! (Put a First Church of John on every street corner in every upper middle class suburb. Charge the franchise church–AKA church plant–30% for administrative and apostolic oversight “double Honor” honorarium.)
And Voila! Instant world domination.
But I must confess, I was looking over this standard Christian world domination plan and spotted a few problems.
The evil pastor riff is being done by sooo many that…well… it’s boring.
And after careful analysis I realized it doesn’t work. Oh, you can dominate a few and with some highly selective picking of henchmen–oops…leadership team members–you dominate a few more… but eventually it all goes Kaput because someone starts screaming Reformation! Reformation! (A little German lingo for you.)
Uber Pastors have been trying this script for a looooong time and it hasn’t worked and neither will it work…EVER.
(Pssst…don’t tell them cause that will create competition for my bid to take over the world.)
I’m going to keep most of my plan super secret just cause it sounds more fun and I need fun…I need interesting.
I also have to disqualify the Altruist Superhero world domination plan. Altruism with a cape has been done a few thousand times in the comic books. But while I look killer in spandex, I can’t find a suit that uh…suits me. (I will forever love Kim Crank…she told me I had great legs… in 5th grade.) Altruism is probably the most effective path to world domination and has been at the heart of the greatest tyrannies on the planet. So in GOOD and ENTIRELY CLEAR conscience, I must renounce altruism on philosophical and theological foundations. I know I just offended those in the Calvin/Kantian axis of evil, but I have to draw the line on heresy somewhere.
Irrespective of my willingness to don spandex and a cape, the status of superhero for moi is still being debated–at least in my mind. The reality is few super villains exist. A handful are traveling the globe and I WILL, in due course, be rendering them a bloody mess with the full intention of destroying their grip on humanity. However, most “First Among Equals,” AKA Evil Uber Pastors, are really more like Dr. Evil–Bald Heads with a Mini Me sidekick, surrounded by lots of Yes men bobbleheading at the conference table, and profoundly out of touch with their own sense of importance. These guys are sorta cute and cuddly, but for the fact they are thugs and bullies. And like all thugs and bullies, they beat up on folks that are weak or scaredy cats.
Well, I must confess that I like beating up on thugs and bullies. It’s really fun to poke them in the eye. And I swear that the sky does not fall.
So, 2009 will be dedicated to my taking over the world: Lots of fun and frolic on the horizon. We will be continuing the ongoing conversation about collectivism’s evil grip on humanity and its insidious effects on the church. I will be revealing why we should all Beware of Greeks Bearing Sound Doctrine. I will be introducing the Leaven of the Pharisees and explaining its origins, functions, and effects. I will explain why I don’t believe there is any such thing as “biblical” manhood or womanhood. I will be addressing the disaster and disease called male passivity. Followed (or preceded) by articles addressing CFES affectionately known as Christian Female Entitlement Syndrome and what a real man can do about it. (We CAN reduce the Christian Divorce Rate to ZERO.)
I am building my super secret Bat Cave or Fortress of Solitude from where I can broadcast–well…Podcast. You will soon hear my voice–an event of joy for some or fear for others. (You tyrants…be afraid… Be very afraid!)
My publishing empire is starting by inches and centimeters because it is taking a backseat to nuclear weapon stock piles but will soon be producing some of the best freedom-thinking content on the planet. (No one will ever accuse me of thinking small.)
A special thanks to my regular commentators. I love it when you add to the conversation. Sincerely…thank you!
To my regular readers…even though the comments and conversation seems to remain smallish, my readership is gratifyingly larger-ish. Since I’m no one from nowhere– at the moment– this is a real rush for me. I write to be read. I have NO interest in posthumous fame. So tell your friends!
And for the growing contingent of International readers, I will endeavor to expand the cultural quips and jokes to include all of you. (Note the German reference above!)
So…finally my Brethren…remember always Tyranny only exists when good men refuse to think…when good men fail to relentlessly pursue the Anointed Jesus, The blessing of Abraham, and the Common Wealth of Israel!