“Why are you speaking in King James?” asked Hay Pig.
“I was blind, but now I see,” said Rumpelstiltskin. “Had I only been using the exact words written in the simple and pure Holy Word of God, I would have been truly spiritual. Now, thou canst not argue with me! Behold! The Gingerbread Man doth spake thus:
“‘No one taught me this. I had no religious influence growing up. Approximately 3 weeks after I became a believer I found this. This is not a product of the reformation but God’s Holy Word. Simple and Pure.
“Approximately 3 weeks after I became a believer, I found this,” said Rumpelstiltskin to the Brick Pig, “But his own Ginger voice. Here do be the problemo.”
“That was Spanish,” said Hay Pig.
Rumpelstiltskin winked, “Thine Gingerbread Man’s interpretive methods, by his own ginger voice, were flawless from the first. Never to be marred with further thought, or tempered with more knowledge.”
Brick Pig looked up from his Abacus, his eyes round with concern, “But if thine Gingerbread Man hath never improved his interpretive methods from three weeks from his New Birth, from the days that he was but a spiritual tyke, from the moments that he was as new as wobbly giraffe fresh from the Holy Spirit’s womb….”
“Oh, the disaster!” cried Rumpelstiltskin. “Quick, fetch all the King’s horses and all the King’s men. We must search the countryside for homosexual lying dead. For God’s Holy Word, simple and pure spake on this wise:
“Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.”
“If thou read the holy book in like manner always,” said Brick Pig, “thou must always cast the first stone.”
“You are talking King James too?” said Hay Pig as he tried to rebuild his house. “Is that the best translation?”
“I thought it was the ESV,” said Stick Pig.
“Straight away, send for the Seven Dwarves,” Rumpelstiltskin said. “Run fast, fast as you can to the Gingerbread Man. Take the sharp knives out of his home. For if he is consistent with this interpretive standard of simple and pure Bible reading, untainted by further instruction but left to his own holy and pure understanding, he shalt be missing body parts.
“For the book says in Matthew 5.
29 If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and throw it away; it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away; it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.”
“But,” said Jack Horner, “Maybe his eye has never caused him to sin. Maybe his right hand has been good.”
“Thou transgress,” said the Brick Pig, consecrating his words with the appropriate proof text language, “go back to thy corner, little Jack Horner. Everything from the heart of Man is damnable. Thus spake Calvin!”
“Off with their heads!” said the Queen of Hearts.
“Nay Brethren, stay thine hand Sisteren, Jesus only said to take out eyes and cut off hands,” said Rumpelstiltskin. “We want to be purely, simply, literally biblical.”
“But surely,” said the Brick Pig, “those Preaching Indwelling Sin and Pervasive Depravity can’t say his eye has never been evil or that his hand has never offended.”