(X) = whatever I think it means.
“They can erase the 7 and the 4 and the other variable and the operating conditions that give X context and value. So any argument that points out complexity is disqualified.
“You’re talking over me,” said the Stick Pig.
“You just blew away my house,” said the Straw Pig.
“But not by the hair on his chinny chin chin,” said Brick Pig. “He didn’t even huff and puff. All he said was, if you can eliminate context, and audience, and author intent from bible interpretation, by disqualifying anything ‘complex’ a person can declare his ‘simple’ judgment biblical.”
“And by definition,” Rumpelstiltskin added, “what is complex and what is simple are subjective judgments.”
“Exactly,” said Brick Pig. “So you can’t catch the Gingerbread Man because he can run away from any complexity in the name of biblical purity.”
“But the Bible clearly says—” said Stick Pig, jabbing a finger at his ESV.
“Clearly?” asked Rumpelstiltskin. “Hold on to your ESV Bible thump for one second. Clear to whom? A twenty-first century English speaker? Do you realize this is an appeal to English literalism: the literal understanding of English words, in a western culture, to a human mind living in the twenty-first century?
“This is getting complex,” said Hay Pig.
“The lie is that Bible interpretation was never simple.” Rumpelstiltskin shrugged, “The appeal to ‘simple and pure’ is merely an appeal to an interpretive method called Literalism.”
Brick Pig finished making a note in the margin of his King James, “This makes the foundation of all Bible understanding English twenty-first century understanding. This is like using the metric system to measure a feet and inches world. Some conversions can be made but they are cumbersome.”
“That was a metaphor,” said Hay Pig.
“The appeal to literalism is basically an appeal to modern subjectivity,” said Brick Pig.
“Which is why you can’t catch the Gingerbread Man,” said Rumpelstiltskin.
“Which is why it is so easy to blow down Christian doctrinal houses,” said Brick Pig. “I keep telling my brothers to make their houses out of bricks and mortar, and they complain that I’m making it too hard.”
“That wasn’t very nice,” said the Hay Pig.
Brick Pig rolled his eyes. “Nice?” he asked. “Just imagine what would happen if those wolves Jesus talked about showed up? They are in ‘nice’ sheep clothing, but they eat you. How nice is that?”
“Gingerbread logic tastes sweet and sounds righteous,” observed Rumpelstiltskin, “but it is really designed to make intelligence a liability. It is an argument designed to level the intellectual playing field by declaring the full force of critical tools off limits.”
“What you said wasn’t very spiritual,” said Stick Pig. “As Christians we are not supposed to be critical. We shouldn’t even think too much. It was the Tree of Knowledge that got us in trouble. God didn’t want us to use our mind. He wanted us to use our spirits. He wanted us to have a relationship with Him. He wanted us to have a revelation.”
Brick Pig sighed at the same time Rumpelstiltskin sighed. They’d both heard this before. “A revelation, like for Allah? A revelation for like Gaea? How do you know which revelation is the better revelation?” asked Brick Pig.
“But it is God’s Word?”
“And that is what everyone else says about their ‘revelation,’” said Rumpelstiltskin.
“That is just not spiritual at all!” said Stick Pig.
“Spiritual!” exclaimed Rumpelstiltskin. “Eureka! Eureka! It is the quest for true spirituality!” Rumpelstiltskin would have kissed Stick Pig but he didn’t have on any lipstick. “Brethren, we have found the problem.”