Musing in My Underoos

Wednesday July 30, 2008 • 21 Comments 

By John Immel

I found Eric “Phenomenal” Simmon’s commentary on Bloggers here

I remember Eric “Phenomenal” Simmons at the then CLC/PDI when he was but a wee tyke.  Okay… so he was a teenager… and then a 20 something…  Just go with it… K?

Eric “Phenomenal” Simmons is a pastor of one sort or another at Sovereign Grace Ministries AKA SGM.

(Pssssttt… Eric… dude, you’ve got waaaayyyy too much hair… gotta shave it off if you ever wanna make it to the top.)

Anyway… Travis, resident blogger source for the article, introduced this on his site like this:

UPDATE: On Friday, March 14th, Eric Simmons spoke to the singles at Covenant Life Church in Gaithersburg, MD. You can download the MP3 of his talk, but what I find most interesting is this particular quote (beginning at the 13:49 mark):

I’m also concerned because at this point in time, we are at the pinnacle of the Information Age. You can in an instant find tons of information on any subject you want on Google. Do you realize that Google allows you to be one step away from a lot of heresies?

There are a lot of heretics out there with a lot of false teachings that have blogs. And it’s phenomenal to me in our age now, that what is represented on the Internet is now seen as fact, and authority, and truth! And the reality? Most of these guys who are writing blogs are 24-year-old guys living in their moms’ basement, sitting there in their underwear! That’s what they’re doing! They’ve got a robe on, and they’re just typing away. And they’re typing away their false teaching, which is honestly a bunch of garbage.

It’s out there! It’s just one click away.

*    *     *

I posted a response on Travis’s blog and I cannot resist posting it here!  (with some modest additions) See… told you I was non posse non ornery!

Phenomenal: Very remarkable; extraordinary; amazing; Perceptible by the senses through immediate experience

Well… if that is the definition of phenomenal, then it might apply to me.  >snicker<

Hang on a sec…

>listening…<

Mom?  … No, we’re on high alert here… I’ve got a blog post to write!  Tyranny to poke at!  Tyrants to barbeque!

Uh… er … sorry. She gets like that sometimes.

Anyway…  Mr. Eric “Phenomenal” Simmons is concerned that all are one click away from mucho heresies. (A little Spanish lingo there for you.) Well, I suppose we could go back to the days of mass illiteracy like say oh… the 15th century when good ol’ Johnny C wrote his Institutes. I figure that might have kept folks from getting bit by the Boogieman of bad ideas–

Uno momento por favor…. just thought of something…..

Mom!  Mom!  Hey… could you turn the heat on …

What?  No… I don’t want any birthday cake,  Mom!  The heat… could you turn it on?

>listening…<

Never mind…

Okay… so where was I?

Mr. Eric “Phenomenal” Simmons was saying something: “You can in an instant find tons of information on any subject you want on Google. Do you realize that Google allows you to be one step away from a lot of heresies?”

Really? That is phenomenal. Can you imagine the wonder of technology? And ohh… the danger! Heretics abound EVERYWHERE!!!! So don’t Google anything! Even better don’t go on the Internet. Or, even better, don’t be around anything electric so the temptation doesn’t overwhelm you to read those naked guys’ writing garbage. Stay away from the Eeeeevilll post adolescences who have immersed themselves in biblical errors when their not playing Xbox 360 Bioshock. (BTW: I played Bioshock … harvested the little sisters and rescued them and it was the SAME. Oh, the moral relativism! Ayn Rand, Immanuel Kant would be so proud. Woe to us all!!!)

Anyway…

Mr. Eric “Phenomenal” Simons said: “And it’s phenomenal to me in our age now, that what is represented on the Internet is now seen as fact, and authority, and truth!”

And what is phenomenal to moi is that a bunch of thinkers in the 15th century got access to the printing press and THEY are fact, authority, and truth. Ohhhh… the irony!

The Swiss Brethren and the Catholics of old are still rolling in their grave, that those Reformed folks got to the printing press before they could burn it down.

I can hear Johann Eck’s sermons of old:  “I’m also concerned because at this point in time, we are at the pinnacle of the Information Age. For those of Thee who can read, thou are’t now able to find tons of information on any subject thou wants.  Does’t thou realize that the printing press allows thee to be one page away from the Reformed heresies?

“Abundant heretics with manifold false teachings that have door posts… they post Thesis on 95, 97, and points without number!

“It’s phenomenal to me that what is represented on door posts in Germany is now seen as fact, and authority, and truth!

“And the reality? Most of these door posters are 24-year-olds living in their mother’s basements, sitting there in their knickers!

“That’s what they’re doing! They’ve got a robe on, and they’re just pressing out Theses with 95 points propagating their false teaching, which is honestly a bunch of refuse!

“It’s out there! It’s just one door post away!

>listening…<

No, I still can’t feel the heat … Mom.  Did you turn it on? Yes, the button that says heat. Ha ha the cake will melt if I don’t blow alllll  the candles out…  Ha ha ha

>mumbling<  But how old does that make you?

I didn’t say anything… it was nothing.  Never mind….

No, Mom, don’t come down stairs… just don’t… Mom. Stay upstairs. You don’t wanna see something phenomenal!!!!



The Very Important Things of Blog Apostleness

Saturday July 26, 2008 • 5 Comments 

By John Immel

Now that I am a universal covering, I need to be careful. I mean, I am doing the work of the ministry with excellence so not just anybody can get up and talk in the blog prophesy mic. It is a valuable, valuable tool in spreading the Gospel of God. And what comes out of that mic, well, I alone am uniquely qualified to say what is God and what is not. So, in the words of the modern day pastor Eric Theodore Cartman, “You Will Respect My Authoritah!”

What is my authority for?

Well, it is to for being respected and doing important things.

What important things?

Hummm… protecting the prophesy mic and making sure that those who want to preach on my blog are subject to my good pleasure. I am a blog tyrant, and many of you are tyrants in training like Timothy. You need that oversight.

As one dear brother in the faith Larry Tomczak put it:  “Faulty foundations are also beginning to give way in the Body of Christ. Christians are discover­ing that one source of the cracks is a lack of recognizing foundational apostolic/ prophetic ministry. Many are realizing today they can’t ignore God’s pat­tern for building his church “…having been built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone” (Eph. 2:20).”

And since I’ve had other blog apostles validate my authority, I can confidently proclaim my blog apostle-ness. It is not a self-appointment because others affirm my appointment. So, since other blog apostles, who I affirm in their blog apostle-ness, affirm me, then that makes me an blog apostle too, and since we are all blog apostles linked in brotherly accountability, that means you should accept my blog Apostle-ness.

Why? Well, just because. My history validates my character as far as I’m concerned, and besides, God does not promote big heads. Ergo, if I am promoted, I don’t have a big head. I am humble.

Since my blog apostle-ness is fully established, and since you all are submitted to my Authoritah, you are “covered” or “oversighted,” depending on your doctrinal pedigree. Don’t’ forget to give sacrificially and tithe, you God-robber. I don’t want to have to keep telling you. I have important things to do.

Like what?

Well, uh… there are some national and international conventions where blog apostles are getting together to talk about how lowly blog pastors and lower blog teachers, and even lower on the pyramid, blog evangelists: How you all need our apostolic government. It isn’t about the national speaking events mind you, but we are going to get together and talk about blog apostle things. Because that is what Apostles do.

Again, our dear brother Larry Tomczak said it so eloquently: “Today, many Christian leaders are ad­mitting their limitations and their need for extra-local team ministry. Humbling them­selves and seeking out proven apostles and prophets to lay scriptural foundations in their midst, they find God honors His Word: “God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6). They’re discover­ing that apostolic ministry isn’t some novel idea, but the scriptural means for build­ing the Church and advancing the kingdom of God in the earth.”

You who don’t accept my blog apostle-ness are proud, because you can’t see the flaws in your foundation. God opposes you in your pride. The rains are coming and the storms are blowing and the faultiness of your foundations are eroding.  (I’m not talking about the spiritual carnage being perpetrated by Sovereign Grace Ministries. I am talking about guarding the prophesy mic and making sure you are submitted to my authority.) You need my blog Apostle-ness to prevent the bad stuff from washing you away.

What else do I do in my Blog Apostle-ness?

Uhmmm… well… you see it is my unique privilege to tell YOU what to do.  There are some stamps to lick at the SpiritualTyranny main office. And there are some bathrooms to clean. And many other menial tasks that you need to do, to show yourself approved in little, so you can be “promoted” in much.

Acts is our model and the way to become a miracle worker like Stephen is to wait blog tables diligently and eventually the blog Apostle, like myself will, “release” you into ministry.

So… while you’re licking e-stamps and waiting on Blog tables, I’m going to be over here being ministry exclusive. Don’t forget to give sacrificially and tithe, you God-robber.  I don’t want to have to keep telling you. And you’re under a curse if you don’t.

Dum de dum de dum

Dumd de dum… deee deee.

dum… deee deee

>Twiddle, Twiddle<

>phone ringing<

This is John, resident Blog apostle.

What’s that? Did I hear about the carnage coming out of Sovereign Grace Ministries?

Uh-huh… mmmm…  yeah, that is bad.

What? A woman divorced over doctrine? Her name is Free Bird?

>head shaking<

Uh… mmm uhmmm …  How tragic.

Another one? Her name was ACME? They did what to her? Well… it’s only two.

>listening<

No… I don’t know Jim and Carol from Titusville…  maybe I do… I’ll have to think about it.  But what happened to them again? Oh… yeah, that sounds like my story.

>listening<

Yeah… I’ve heard there are some other blogs talking about abuses from my former PDI leadership “team.”

Mmmm…. Sounds like a divine appointment. No… don’t clap your hands.

I know that is my story… but…

But… I’m an apostle with very important things to do. I know Paul fought his detractors in Corinth. I know he argued against the folly of the Galatians. But that isn’t what apostolic authority is about. It is about important things.

I’m above all that fighting … No, the Brownsville Blog apostles validated me. I’m affirmed.

>listening<

I know… I started that group. I laid the foundation. And now they are getting chewed up and spit out. But I have very important things to deal with here at the local church. I have to guard the prophesy mic, and make sure the blog ministers in waiting are “oversighted.”

>listening<

Well, Cha Ahn … doesn’t do anything either.

But they kicked me out. It’s not my response-

Queue Music

Oh where, oh where has Larry Tomczak gone
Oh where, oh where can he be
With his ears cut short and reconciled Che Ahn
Oh where, oh where can they be?

Apostles you are, the ministry you claim,

by Fame you left, lively hood in tact

PDI Creator, Leader of the mass

Appointed by God, but you let it pass?

Oh where, oh where has Larry Tomczak gone
Oh where, oh where can he be
With his ears cut short and reconciled Che Ahn
Oh where, oh where can they be?

Did you cover the souls from PDI days?

But leave the sheep in profound malaise

Apostolic authority, good for the church,

What does it mean, when you leave in a lurch

Oh where, oh where has Larry Tomczak gone
Oh where, oh where can he be
With his ears cut short and reconciled Che Ahn
Oh where, oh where can they be?

The fraud of covering do we really see?

You benefit from reverence given to thee.

Paul fought Peter to his face,

Gentiles access to the heavenly race.

(Sing it with me now)

Oh where, oh where has Larry Tomczak gone
Oh where, oh where can he be
With his ears cut short and reconciled Che Ahn
Oh where, oh where can they be?



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